Sunday, November 25, 2007

A fine day to exit.

The other day I was thinking about my life. I'm 36 and my hair is graying. I have no children or a girlfriend. Most of the people I grow up with...I no longer talk too. I can only remember once in my life being happy. I mean really happy. That was when I was married. So out of 36 years that would be about 3 of 4 years. She divorced me and went on with her life. I went back to the life I had before I met her. To being a nobody..once again. I have been really depressed lately. I get up go to work and come home. Check some of my sites and my blogs. Outside of playing video games. I don't have a life. I'm having a hard time with building my model tanks. My eye sight is getting worse. I find no joy in life. Thats not a life it's just existing. If the first 36 years are indication of whats to come. I don't want it. I Find myself becoming more of a recluse. There is nothing in life for me...maybe this sound melodramatic. But it's the way I feel. Maybe I just need to some sleep. I can hope for brighter days. But I'm not holding my breath on that one. Generally I'm just tired of being.


Poodles said...

You should think about seeing a doctor. 36 is way too young to be an "old maid". There are lots of great medications available for deperession.

Poodles said...

Oh and think about Lasik for your eyes.

James said...

I'm becoming a big time recluse myself. I just don't see much in society that I want to associate with anymore. There are only a handful of people that I wish to spend anytime with and even then I'm usually too numb to bother planning anything.

This is why I enjoy blogging so much. I can enjoy friendships without having to invest too much in them. I have a difficult time relating and talking to people in person a lot of the time.

Don't worry about sounding pessimistic. This is your blog and you shouldn't worry about saying whatever is on your mind. I like people being honest and saying what is on their mind. I hope things get better for you friend.

Larro said...

james said; I hope things get better for you friend."

I do too Bob.

In the meantime maybe this will give you a chuckle: Christ. Community. Music.

Talk to ya later.

tina said...

Hi Bob. You can always come over here and chill awhile, play video games, which I love to do too. I don't know many single women for you to meet.
What about joining an atheist group or something like that? What about volunteering somewhere? Just ideas I have. I have known you for a very long time and I hate to see you so sad. I know your marriage meant everything to you, you seemed so proud and happy when I would see you. When I heard about your divorce I knew it would affect you greatly.
I know you have heard all the suggestions and such on Yahoo 360 from all your friends there, I just wish I could say "abracadabra" and you would be happy again!
I'm glad you have Larro, Robin, Aaron and Steph to socialize with, they are the best.
I hope things look up soon. :)

Tex said...

I agree with James, it's good to at least be able to put voice to those feelings. I have a problem of cynicism and derision and hate for much of the world, but I gave up drinking a year ago, and by going to AA, am learning to let go of a lot of my hate, anger, rage and also realising that a lot of it was based around my own fears and insecurities. I have found going to AA has helped me much, much more than just stopping the drinking, it has opened me up to personal growth and also got me out of the isolation I was in.

I would drink alone if there was no one around, but even if not drinking, isolating with my own thoughts and a computer would cause me (and still can) to get negative, depressed and over worried about all the multitude of things I can't change (pretty much everything except myself). I am learning to cope with life better by letting go of all the hate in my head, because I was causing it by my attitude, and the only person I hurt with it is myself.

It has been and still is very hard at times and you can probably tell by my blogs there is a bit of anger, but truly I laugh when I write a lot of it now, and I am actually laughing at myself, because my online hatred is more of a parody of me a year or two ago, where this hatred was much more palpable and affected those around me too.

One interesting thing I discovered in AA was that they often talk about a "higher power" (some use god, some use nature, some use "group of drunks", some use "good orderly direction"). Now I railed against the whole idea in my head to start with, but I wanted to stop drinking and part of doing this, for me, was to not allow myself to care about what other people think or believe. I can use a higher power of "a little voice inside my head" if I want, and no need to define it any deeper than that (I couldn't because I struggle to believe there is anything more). The letting go of this one thing has shown me I can let go of a lot of my other rage and hatred too, and I have found this terribly liberating.

The main thing though that AA has given me is a connection with other people and a communication, which allows me to accept other people and have them accept me in a safe place where they all listen to whatever I say, whether it is smart, stupid, rude, angry, or nice, and at the end, thank me for my input. All I can suggest is that, for me getting some sort of actual connection with others helped get me out of my isolation and unhappiness, which made me the sort of person other people want to be around.

Sorry to crap on. This stuff is just a bit about my struggle, and may give you some ideas that might help, but at least you know you're not alone. Good luck and feel free to comment on my blog and let me know how you feel.

T&A said...

Bob: I've been where you are. I'm no doctor, but it sounds like clinical depression. I've suffered from it on and off though out my life, and medication helped me a great deal.

Whatever you do, hang in there. I do know from my own experience that death is permanent (I tried that route), but suffering is fleeting.